His Shadow
by TerraZeal
Summary: Loki thinks about how he has always been in Thor's shadow and discovers his true heritage, finally understanding why Odin so favored Thor and so hated Loki and his children.


_**Author's Note:** Deviates a bit from canon and myths, even a bit from my other Loki stories. He's not really portrayed as totally evil here, just envious of Thor. Follows the first part of the movie, then Loki's touching the Casket and realizing what he is after much thinking about it. Also mentions his children, which almost ALL other stories ignore. The "Loki meant Mjolnir to be his own" is from the Loki comics._

_**His Shadow**_

Thor always shone brightly. Too brightly, for Loki's tastes. He was like a sun that never stopped shining. People flourished in his light, as flowers did in the sun. Loki was like the winter. No one liked the ice and the cold, and things withered and died in his presence. He sometimes wondered why he was so much different than his older brother. Why it was _Thor _who was the favorite all the time. Loki was smarter. Loki knew magic. Magic that his brother couldn't even comprehend. Magic that even his own father couldn't comprehend.

And yet today it would be Thor upon whose head the crown was placed. That is, if Loki's plan went awry. His plans did occasionally. This one was rife with many holes that could be seen through. If Heimdall, for instance, saw what was going to happen...Loki shook his head. No. It wouldn't happen. The stupid guard was useless. Heimdall had let that Jotun builder and his horse through that one time when they were trying to get a wall built...Loki shuddered, trying to not remember that time. His plan _DID _go awry there. He had stopped the mason, but...Loki shook his head again, so not going there.

He watched Thor ascend the steps, watching stoically as the crowd cheered his older brother as he got closer to the steps and eventually knelt before Odin. Loki mustered a fake smile and gave his brother a fake approving nod. It should be he who got the crown today, not Thor. Odin said words that the Trickster paid no heed to. Blah blah...Loki sighed, hoping the Jotuns had found the Casket without issue so this could be stopped before the crown was placed on Thor's head.

Odin approached the end of his speech, proclaiming that he, Odin All-father, something blah blah...Loki's attention wasn't even on the event happening here. He felt an icy tingle in his veins as a sharp clatter stopped Odin mid-speech and startled Thor to his feet. The Trickster smiled when he knew no one was looking. His plan had worked. He would be rightful king of Asgard. Now all he had to do was talk his idiot brother into going to Jotunheim without looking like he was goading him. Easy to do, with his silver tongue. Loki played along with the "how did they get in?" shit that Odin and everyone else seemed to be spouting.

In another room, Thor was raging about something again. What was new? The man was not fit to be king. His rages were proof enough of that. Loki crept into the room silently. Thor yelled something about how it wasn't safe to be in his presence now. Oh well. He wasn't REALLY there anyway. He was just out of sight, using a duplicate to talk to Thor, just in case he really DID try and hurt the slender sorcerer. After a bit of talk, he managed to convince Thor to go to Jotunheim without it seeming as if he'd meant it that way. Thor stormed off. Loki waved a hand, dismissing the duplicate and followed Thor with his real self, attempting to now argue him out of going to Jotunheim. He wasn't trying very hard, of course.

Eventually, they had ended up in Jotunheim. Fighting ensued. It was bad. Then King Laufey joined the battle. Loki had grabbed Thor, insisted upon retreat. He looked desperately at Thor, then at the Jotun king. Laufey's eyes pierced him. Loki felt a slight jolt. Almost like...familiarity. Then it was gone just as quick and they were back in the fight-or-flight situation. Loki wrapped his mind around trying to convince Thor to back off. Thor was extremely reluctant. He could almost feel his brother's muscles shaking to release his hammer under his slender hands.

He finally let out a breath when Thor agreed to go. Laufey grunted and simply stood back a few paces. An almost-smile on his face. Loki cast one more glance back at the giant king before grabbing Thor and forcibly getting him moving. Laufey cast one last jab at Thor. Loki only caught the end of it.

"...little princess." Loki closed his eyes. They had been so close.

"Damn." He muttered as Thor's lips curled into a familiar grin. He knew all too well what was going to happen now. He had just wanted Thor to go into Jotunheim to piss off Odin and ruin the coronation, he hadn't expected any of this. Hadn't expected them to come so near death.

Thor's hammer hurtled toward the giant king. Laufey, despite being a good deal smaller than some of the other giants, Loki noticed, still managed to command the others to take the blow for him. Loki lost sight of Laufey in the chaos. No doubt the giant king was taking a backseat to the action and was anticipating their deaths and the show his minions would give him in taking on the Mighty Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three. And, of course, Loki himself. The sorcerer flung one of his slender daggers at an approaching giant, shattering some of the ice that seemed to make up its skin.

The battle continued. Thor was screaming various idiotic threats at the giants while the others actually fought for their lives. Envy once again pierced Loki. While holding Mjolnir, Thor was nearly invincible. One of the giants grabbed the arm of Volstagg. The fat warrior screamed in pain and it looked as if his skin were being frostbitten. From just a touch. Loki marveled at that for a moment. The power of Jotun magic must be amazing...he shook his head.

Enemies. They were the enemies. There would be no learning magic from them. He remembered Angrboda. A frost giant halfling with whom he had had three children. She wasn't a monster...far from it...but his children...he shook himself and continued hurling daggers at the frost giants and using his magic to fool them to their deaths.

He spun to stab the frost giant behind him. It grabbed his wrist tightly, eyes narrowing. Loki felt an almost-natural feeling chill go through his body, but no pain, no burning sensation. He gaped at his skin as frosty blue crept up his arm. The frost giant in front of him had a puzzled expression on its face. Loki used the opportunity to stab the giant, killing it and shoving it out of the way. He stared at his frosty blue arm. Slowly the blue faded back to pallid white, the lovely chill vanishing with it. What had that been...? The sorcerer wondered at the sensation, then remembered his magic. Perhaps it was frost giant magic interacting with his own Aesir magic. Yes. That had to be it.

There could be no other explanation, could there? There was another explanation, but he didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to give it even a hairsbreadth of thought. It was similar to a feeling he'd had around Angrboda, the half-Jotun he'd taken up with. She looked like a normal Aesir like him, until they'd lain together. As soon as they were finished, he remembered seeing her pale, pink skin turn a frosty blue and her normally-brown eyes turn crimson. She hadn't been ashamed of her Jotun heritage, and in fact had embraced it. She was absolutely delighted after she'd been with Loki. She'd wanted him over and over again. She hadn't told him WHY she was so excited to be with him, or why their children had been born...not children, but a serpent, a wolf, and a half-dead girl.

Again, he attributed it to Aesir and Jotun blood not mixing properly and brushed it off. Perhaps it WAS Aesir and Jotun blood mixing. That is, half-Aesir and full Jotun blood. No. No. It couldn't be. Loki pushed aside the horrible thoughts again and turned back to the battle. It wasn't going well at all anymore. They had finally begun to run. Even the arrogant Thor and his precious hammer were retreating. Loki followed suit until they were stopped by a sharp beam of light that pierced the Jotun forces and the monster chasing them. The beam scraped them off the face of Jotunheim. Loki looked up and saw the angry, nearly-mad face of Odin Allfather and his staff, easily dispatching the Jotun.

Odin's burning eyes pierced the brothers and the warriors. Odin faced King Laufey and they talked. Apparently, the fight Thor had brought to Jotunheim had broken the already tenuous peace treaty. Loki glanced at the frost giant king again. He wasn't a giant at all, really. He was about the same size as Odin. That struck the Trickster as odd, but then, he had read in his books that not all frost giants were large. Some were the size of Aesir. How a small frost giant had become king in a race that seemed to prize brutality and physical strength over all else, he didn't know.

Perhaps...the Jotuns were not like the Aesir. Perhaps they did prize more than physical strength. Which made them...less monstrous than the Aesir after all. Still, they were enemies of his father, and he would kill as many as he could to prove himself worthy of being the true king. The king that Thor wasn't. He wouldn't stand in Thor's shadow forever. The six adventurers returned to the Bifrost to await the Allfather's return from his conversation with Laufey.

They didn't have long to wait. Perhaps the conversation merely consisted of Laufey telling him the treaty was ended and they were at war again. A chill ran down Loki's spine. Not the same delightful chill he'd felt earlier, but a frightened one. He had only meant to prove that Thor was unready to take the throne, not bring war down upon their heads. Still, if this lead to the crown being placed on HIS head and not Thor's, he could lead them in a war far better than Thor. He was, after all, a brilliant tactician. Thor's type of war would be "charge in, hammer held aloft, kill". Loki's would involve...well, he hadn't got that far yet, but it would certainly involve far more subtlety than that. And far more...genocide.

Yes. He would exterminate the entire vile race of frost giants from the Nine Worlds. Even if it meant killing his former lover, half-Jotun Angrboda. In the end, she was half-monster. She deserved to die as much as the others did. He loved his children, but he knew they were indeed monsters and that it was her fault. Her vile, cold Jotun blood that had made his children monsters that were unaccepted in the halls of the Allfather.

His beloved Fenrir was chained like a common dog, Jor was tossed into the sea like a serpent caught when one was expecting a fish, and Hela was thrown into the Underworld, since despite her near-Aesir appearance, the non-Aesir half of her body unnerved many Asgardians and Odin could not have a vile-looking granddaughter walking the golden halls of Asgard. The fates of his children still made his blood boil. Odin had done it. Odin could have stopped Tyr from chaining Fenrir. Could have MADE the others stop hurling insults at Hela. Could have built a lake for Jor to live in. Could have. Could have. Could have taken care of his grandchildren, like he would have done for THOR'S grandchildren, no matter how monstrous they were.

Of course, precious Thor wouldn't produce monsters. No, only weak, tricky, lying Loki would have children who were monsters. Thor's children would be golden gods, just like Thor. Loki slammed his fist angrily into the walls of the Bifrost room. Heimdall cast a small glare his way, but he ignored it. He hated that stupid guard. Had hated him since he'd first lain eyes upon his as a small child. Someday, he would kill Heimdall, he knew. Somehow, he just knew.

Odin also cast a small glance his way, but he only had eyes for Thor, as usual. Even in anger, sometimes Loki wished he would be first over Thor. He wanted to scream at Odin that it was HE who had suggested going into Jotunheim, not Thor's idea. It was HE who wanted to smite his father's enemies, not Thor. Loki. Him. Odin berated Thor and eventually did what Loki was hoping he would do. A small, near hidden smile crept across Loki's face as Odin ripped the hammer from his grasp and opened the Bifrost, casting Thor into the realm of Midgard. Making him mortal.

Loki waited with anticipation, expecting Mjolnir to be immediately passed on to him, as it was meant to be his in the first place. It always had been. A small gasp, easily hidden, escaped his lips as Odin merely held the hammer to his lips, whispering something, and hurtling the hammer into the portal after Thor. Rage welled up in Loki. It was supposed to be HIS! It was meant to be HIS hammer. He'd had it made for HIM! Not Thor. Always Loki. Always his. Fury threatened to cloud his judgment. He masked it by begging his father to bring Thor back, fury from being cheated again still ringing in his voice.

Odin's one eye pierced him, almost as if he knew Loki were lying. Odin knew of his son's silver tongue, and it didn't fool him as often as it did others. This time, however, it seemed to fool Odin. Perhaps it was the tears of fury in Loki's eyes that convinced him, but Odin placed a gentle hand on Loki's head, telling him that it would be alright. That his brother would come back, and come back a better man. Loki trembled in rage under his father's hand.

Thor wouldn't come back. At all. Not if Loki had anything to say about it. Odin stroked Loki's trembling head softly and eventually they all returned to the palace. The warriors and Sif departed, glum looks on their faces. Sif shot a glare at Loki, as if she knew he were the one responsible. Loki ground his teeth and followed them. They all ended up in a room off the side of the palace, talking. Hogun was giving Loki mean looks the entire time. Hogun wasn't known for being nice. Loki ignored it. Sif however, started questioning who had talked Thor into going to Jotunheim.

Loki forced himself to tell them that he had and put on a false face of sorrow and loss, saying that he had no idea Odin would BANISH his precious Thor for anything. Sif didn't believe him. He could see it in her eyes. Neither did Hogun. The other two were stupid and easily believed any lie Loki spun. Volstagg's arm, from where the frost giant had touched him, was being bandaged. Loki looked again at his own unblemished arm. The frost giant had held onto him so long that his arm should have fallen off. Perverted, wicked thoughts once again crossed his mind.

Loki curled his hands into fists. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. But there was no other real explanation. As soon as he could, he'd looked up the effects of Jotun magic on Aesir sorcerers, and there was nothing about the sensation he'd experienced. All Aesir should be burned by Jotun magic. No exceptions, not even for Aesir sorcerers or even Vanir like Freyja and Frey. Perhaps not even Baldur was immune. Another wicked thought crossed Loki's mind. No. He pushed it away. Baldur was his younger brother and his friend.

Loki stalked out of the room, ignoring the glares from his "friends" and headed to the weapons vault. He had to know, one way or another, he had to know. Heart pounding, he approached the Casket of Ancient Winters. The relic Odin had stolen from the Jotun that fateful day when the war on Jotunheim had ended. When, according to his mother, he had been born. The Casket seemed to thrum with a strange, pulling power...Odin had kept him far away from the weapons vault as a child, even though Thor had been allowed to see everything. Was THIS why?

The heels of Loki's boots clicked softly on the cold floor as he approached the Casket, pulled by that strange magic. He reached out and took the Casket in both hands. The same chill he'd felt when the frost giant had touched him in the battle filled his body. This time, it was different, though. It felt...right. Powerful. His breathing was slower, his arms a chilly blue. The reflection in the shining metal reflected a monster. One of them. Crimson eyes stared back at him. His own crimson eyes instead of the usual brilliant green he saw. He heard his father call out from behind him. No, not his father. Odin wasn't his real father. Couldn't be. Now he understood.

Understood why he was always in Thor's shadow. The mighty Allfather couldn't have a frost giant sitting on the throne of Asgard. Understood why his children were monsters. It was HIS fault. Not the half-Aesir woman's. Tears of self-loathing and fury threatened as he spun on Odin. Odin KNEW. He had known all along what Loki was, and he hadn't told him. That was the biggest slap in the face. Hadn't TOLD HIM! Before he knew it, he was screaming at Odin, screaming and screaming and not listening to a word the old man was saying, except the part where Odin told him he was meant as a bargaining chip, and that he was Laufey's son. King Laufey. At least he really was a prince. At least THAT part of his life wasn't a fucking lie.

Under Loki's vocal onslaught, the Allfather collapsed. Loki panicked and called for the guards. He hadn't meant for this to happen. He just wanted to know WHY. WHY Odin hadn't told him. If he had known what he was when he was younger, so much would be different. He wouldn't have grown up hating them all. He would have known he was different...special. He wouldn't think of himself as a monster if Odin and Thor and everyone else hadn't constantly talked about the Jotun as if they were merely monsters.

If it were known that one of Asgard's princes were a frost giant, none of the slander would have been allowed, but no, Odin didn't even care enough about Loki to let him know what he was. He had to find out on his own, by accident, in the heat of battle. Terrible father. Odin was a terrible father. A father who wasn't his father. And yet, Loki could still think of nothing but how he wanted to be Thor's equal. How much he wanted the Allfather's approval. How much he wanted to be out of Thor's shadow.

Those thoughts haunted him as he ascended his false-father's throne, at last becoming king of a realm that was not his own. A monster on the throne of Asgard. They would be sorry. All of them. The Jotun, for making themselves monsters, the people of Asgard for shunning him, Thor, and even the man that called himself his father. Loki slouched on the gilded throne and gazed at the faces of Thor's friends. Not HIS friends. Thor's. There was hatred and revulsion etched on their faces. Their precious Thor was supposed to be in this seat, not his hateful, lying little brother the nasty sorcerous trickster god. He merely smirked at them. This was HIS throne. At last, he was out of his brother's shadow.


End file.
